THE TROJAN WAR

The Golden Apple
Aphrodite: Ooh look! An apple! And just as I was getting hungry…
Hera: Oh, I love apples! Let me have it!
Athena: It’s a golden apple. Dumbasses…
Aphrodite: Ooh look! It’s got a tag!
Athena: “For the fairest”…
Hera: Oh, well, thank you! *grabby*
Aphrodite: *giggles* No, it must be mine! *grabby*
Athena: I’m the smart one, the apple’s mine. Give me that!
Aphrodite: I’m smart!
Wind: *whistles through Aphrodite’s empty head*
Hera: I know! We’ll cut it in half!
Athena: Who the hell wants half a golden apple? Anyway, there’s three of us, dumbass.
Aphrodite: It’s so pretty…*is momentarily distracted by shiny object*
Golden Apple: *is shiny*
Athena: I know, we’ll let some random-ass mortal dude figure out who should get the apple.
Hera: That sounds like a good plan. No flaws at all there.
Aphrodite: *stares vacantly*
Hera: Y’know, we could push her off this cloud…nobody’d miss her…
Athena: That’d be mean…and anyway, she’s a god, she can’t die.
Hera: Dammit.

Paris, Paris, on the Wall…
Paris: *looks scrumptious*
Hera: Paris, wonderful mortal, tell us who is the fairest!
Athena: Paris, wise mortal, tell us who is the fairest!
Aphrodite: Paris…wanna come back to my place?
Paris: *drools*
Athena: You are such a horndog…
Hera: We could still push her!
Paris: Can’t pick. Must work on hot bod.
Hot bod: *flexes*
Athena: We won’t be mad, no matter who you choose.
Hera: Yeah, we won’t get pissed or anything.
Aphrodite: *stares vacantly*
Paris: You promise not to get pissed? Both of you?
Athena: Oh yeah.
Hera: We promise. C’mon, c’mon, you know you wanna! I’ll make you the richest man in all Greece!
Athena: He’s Trojan, you dumbass…I’ll make you the smartest man in all Troy!
Aphrodite: I’ll make that hot Greek chick fall in love with you!...and take you back to my cloud of sexiness and ravage you over and over!
Paris: *faints from excessive blood flow to certain nether regions*
Nether Regions: *are really lovin’ Aphrodite*
Paris: You! You! Me choose hot cloud of sexiness and Greek chick!
Aphrodite: I win! I win! *bounces*
Paris: *re-faints*
Athena & Hera: *are super pissed*
Athena: I know that ain’t fair…
Hera: *turns random chick into donkey out of spite*

(A Kidnapping) An Act of Love
The Hotness that is Helen: Oh Paris, I love you!
Paris: *sheepish grin* Aw, shucks.
The Hotness that is Helen: Oh Paris, take me away!
Paris: *sheepish grin* Aw, shucks…
The Hotness that is Helen: Oh Paris, ravage me!
Paris: *faints from excessive blood loss to previously mentioned nether regions*

One Ravagement Later…
Paris: Let’s go, babe! I got a sweet pad in Troy!
The Hotness that is Helen: Do you think my husband will be mad?
Paris: Who, the old guy? Of course not! Just because his brother’s the king, that doesn’t mean anything.
The Hotness that is Helen: *adjusts bodice* Does this bodice make me look kidnapped?
Paris: *drools*
The Hotness that is Helen: To Troy! Just so you know, I’ll totally claim to be kidnapped when Menelaus comes to get me…
Paris: *is not listening*
Athena: Oh yeah. This is gonna be good

Reality Check
Hector: Dude, tell me that’s not Menelaus’ wife.
Paris: It’s not Menelaus’ wife.
Hector: Now tell me the truth.
Paris: Dude, which is it? Not Menelaus’ wife or truth?
Hector: Man, is that Menelaus’ wife?
The Hotness that is Helen: Ooh, ooh! I know, I know!
Hector: *facepalm*
Paris: This isn’t what it looks like, trust me.
Hector: You stole some Greek dude’s wife, cause of the hotness, and now you’re gonna ravage her in your room while I fight off the Greek dude’s brother’s army.
Paris: Oh…maybe this is what it looks like…
Hector: We’re screwed.
Paris: I’m gonna…go to my room now…with the Hotness that is Helen…
Hector: I’m gonna…go polish my armor…and save your ass…

Back at the Greek Dude’s Palace
Greek Dude a.k.a Menelaus: He stole my freakin’ wife! What’re you gonna do about it?
Agamemnon: Chill, bro. Just a chick.
Menelaus: My wife!! I want my wife!! *throws dish*
Agamemnon: It’s okay, really.
Menelaus: ARE YOU LISTENING? THEY STOLE MEIN WIFE!!
Agamemnon: *is eating dinner*
Menelaus: They called you fat.
Agamemnon: WAR!!!!!

Several Chapters of the Iliad Later…
Patroclus: So…think Achilles’ll mind if I borrow his armor?
Random Greek Attendant: No way, dude.
Patroclus: Cool.
Armor: *sings requiem for Patroclus*
Patroclus: D’you hear that?
Random Greek Attendant: Nope.
Armor: *sings sneaky-style*

A Boy in Warrior’s Clothing
Hector: ACHILLES! FACE ME!!
Not-Achilles: *marches forward*
Armor: *still singing requiem*
Hector: Achilles! You look…skinnier and more boyish than I thought you would…
Not-Achilles: It’s the steroids. They make me look…younger?
Hector: Oh, okay then. FIGHT ME!!
Not-Achilles: *wets his armor*
Hector: Dude…
Armor: *stops singing long enough to puke*
Hector: *throws spear*
Not-Achilles: *is wounded*
Hector: Wow…that was easier than I thought it’d be…
Not-Achilles: *cries like baby* You’re gonna pay for this!
Hector: *laughs*
Not-Achilles: Achilles is gonna kill you!
Hector: Hector already killed you!
Random Greek: Why are they speaking in third person?
Other Random Greek: It’s for dramatic effect…
Hector: *pulls off armor* You’re not Achilles!!
Not-Achilles: HAHAHA NOW YOU DIE!!!
Hector: Dammit.
Not-Achilles: *dies*

And From the Back of the Battlefield
Achilles: *agonized roar*
Greeks: It’s Achilles!
Massed Trojans: Scatter! Scatter!
Achilles: HECTOR YOU WILL DIE!!!
Massed Trojans: *run away*
Hector: *wets himself*

And Then There Were Two
Hector: *tries to run*
Achilles: You killed my (lover) best friend!
Hector: What’s with Greeks and little boys?
Achilles: You’re gonna die! *throws spear*
Hector: *is wearing Achilles’ armor*
Spear: Oh shit. *misses*
Hector: Haha you missed!
Athena: *returns spear to Achilles*
Spear: *magic floaty back to Achilles*
Hector: I’m screwed. *draws sword* CHARGE!!!
Achilles: *is wearing god-armor*
Sword: *swordpalm*
Achilles: Haha you’re wearing my armor! I know its weaknesses!
Armor: Oh shit. *is pierced*
Hector: Paris will avenge me!
Achilles: Whatever you want, buddy.
Hector: Take my body to my father!
Achilles: Sure thing, buddy.
Hector: *dies*
Achilles: Haha I lied!! *drags Hector behind chariot*

Hector Spoke True
Achilles: *ransacks palace*
Paris: *is sneaky* I will kill him from behind!
Achilles: Let me rummage through piles of gold so I won’t hear anything going on behind me!
Paris: *fires arrow*
Arrow: *whizzes over Achilles’ head*
Achilles: Boy, good thing that wasn’t an arrow whizzing over my head!
Paris: *fires arrow*
Arrow: *bounces off Achilles’ armor plated backside*
Achilles: Shoot, good thing that wasn’t an arrow hitting me in the ass!
Paris: *fires arrow*
Arrow: *dents Achilles’ well-polished helmet*
Achilles: Wait, maybe that was an arrow hitting me in the head…
Bow: Dude, you really suck at this…
Paris: *strings arrow*
Arrow: Go for the heels…the heels…
Paris: *doesn’t go for the heels*
Achilles: *finally catching on* Hey, what the hell?
Paris: *still doesn’t go for the heels*
Bow: Oh here, let me do it! Dumbass…
Arrow: *finally hits the mark*
Achilles: Oh no! My heel! I’m melting, I’m melting!!
Paris: Wrong line, dude.
Achilles: I’m dying, I’m dying!
Paris: That’s better.
Achilles: I’m dead!
Paris: *struts* I’m bad, I’m bad!
Bow: *bowpalm*
Paris: *is killed by Philoctetes*